My Child shows Refusal/disruptive behaviors
Many children struggle to follow adult requests. Their struggle can look like yelling, throwing themselves on the floor, using unkind words, throwing or breaking objects, or hitting others. These behaviors are less worrying when they happen rarely or in very young children. They become a concern when they interfere with learning, friendships, or daily routines.
This chapter focuses on the skill of shifting cognitive set. Difficulty shifting cognitive set is a challenge that reflects brain dysfunction. It’s a common challenge for many children with disabilities, including those with Disruptive Behavior Disorders, Autism, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The skill we wish to build for all children is the skill of cognitive flexibility. Cognitive flexibility is dependent upon the skill of shifting cognitive set, but also depends upon emotion-regulation, and language skills. It can result in refusal behaviors. This chapter explains why some children show excessive refusal behaviors.
Three Reasons Children Refuse
Refusal behaviors are a multi-layered problem to solve. Refusals and disruptive behaviors commonly are due to difficulties shifting cognitive set. However, intense emotions and limited language skills can also be the cause for refusals and disruptive behaviors. As you read further along in this chapter, you’ll realize the refusal behaviors present a ‘chicken and egg’ problem to solve. Most refusal and disruptive behaviors come from one or more of the following three challenges.
Trouble shifting gears (shifting cognitive set; cognitive flexibility) Some children have a hard time switching from one activity to another. This is not stubbornness — it is a brain-based challenge that is common in children with Autism, ADHD, and Disruptive Behavior Disorders. These children may seem to ignore your request. They keep doing what they are doing, instead of following your request. This behavior does not happen because they won't listen. It happens because their brain needs more time to switch. What looks like refusal is often a protest — a signal that says "This is too hard" or "I need more time." Switching between activities (transitioning) is one of the common triggers for refusal behaviors, but cognitive inflexibility affects other situations as well. Just as it’s hard for some children to switch between activities, it’s also hard for them to switch between different perspectives on the same problem. For example, a child can show refusal behaviors and be insistent on having things done ‘their’ way, when a playmate suggests a game or activity that is unfamiliar or that they do not prefer. Refusal behaviors can also occur when familiar routines are not followed according to the child’s preferences. Taking the ‘wrong’ route to the local McDonald’s, or not lining up toys the ‘right’ way can be a trigger for the inflexible child.
Big emotions Children who struggle to switch gears are often very emotional. Here, there’s a ‘chicken and egg’ situation. Asking a child to be flexible can provoke frustration and big emotions. But frustration and big emotions reduce flexibility. intense emotions make flexible thinking very difficult. This statement is as true for children as it is for adults. it’s also as true for children who may have a disability as it is for children who do not have a disability. You cannot solve a problem when you are overwhelmed. Neither can your child.
Limited language Some children struggle with flexibility because of their limited language skills. They may simply not have the words to describe what they are feeling. They cannot say "I'm frustrated" or "Slow down” or “I’m scared.” Without those words, the only tool they have is their behavior. As language skills grow, behavior problems often shrink.
What "Refusal" Really Looks Like
True refusals — where a child simply will not comply no matter what — are actually less common than most parents think. More often, what looks like refusal is a child who needs extra time.
Here is an example: your child yells when you tell them it is time for the bedtime routine. Instead of reacting to the yelling, watch what happens. How long does it take for them to calm down? Do they eventually start the routine? Many children comply within 15 seconds to two minutes when given enough time and a calm adult to follow.
If your child only refuses when they are asked to stop a video game, or only when homework is hard, that is probably not a brain-based flexibility problem. Cognitive rigidity — the kind tied to a disability — shows up across many different situations, happens too often, lasts too long, and gets in the way of daily life.
When Emotions Are the Main Problem
Flexibility requires a calm and focused nervous system. When a child is over-excited, anxious, or frustrated, flexible thinking is not available to them. This is true for adults too.
When big emotions are getting in the way, the first job is to help your child calm down — before trying to solve the problem or change the behavior. A child who is in emotional overload cannot think clearly, and pushing harder at that moment usually makes things worse. Once they are calmer, flexibility becomes possible again.
Reducing Demands — Without Lowering Expectations
When your child is overwhelmed, it often helps to temporarily make the task easier or break it into smaller steps. This does not mean giving up on what you expect from your child. It means finding another path to the same goal.
For example: if your child refuses to clean their whole room, you might say "Let's start with just the floor." The expectation — a clean room — stays the same. The path to get there becomes more manageable.
The Bottom Line
Refusal and disruptive behaviors are usually a sign that your child is struggling — not that they are choosing to be difficult. Their brain needs more time, or their emotions are too big, or they do not yet have the words to ask for help. Your job is to slow down, stay calm, and help them find a way through. When you model flexibility, you teach it
What to Do First: Slow Down
Given all of the reasons for refusals, what should your approach be? No matter the cause of your child’s refusals, one useful step is to do nothing. Slow down. Watch. Do not react right away. Ask yourself:
Does my child need more time to switch activities?
Are big emotions getting in the way?
Does my child have the words to express what they are feeling?
You do not need to answer all three questions at once. Just noticing which one seems most important will help you figure out what to do next. Take your time.
A Note for Parents and Professionals
Many of the parents I work with will question me when I share information about cognitive flexibility. Parents will often tell me: They can do if it they want to. That is a true statement. Your child may not seem to have any problems with cognitive flexibility when they are engaged in a preferred activity or when they are motivated. But how often is your child motivated to fulfill all of the demands of the day?
Most children will protest when their parents set limits of one sort or another. Most children will try to argue why a task or a chore does not need to be completed, or will tell you that that task you are asking them to do is ‘boring’ and that they don’t want to do it. The difference between the child who shows ‘typical’ refusals and the child with a disability is this: How often do they protest? How long does the protest last? Do they eventually comply with your request? Do they show these challenging behaviors across settings and situations? And (this is a big one) do you manage to stay calm, be patient, and coach your child through their frustration? Your coaching matters here. Be sure to model the behavior that you want your child to show.
Doing ‘nothing’ and ‘being flexible,’ as proposed above, is simple. It’s just not that easy. Adults get frustrated too. We speak in sharp tones. We say things we do not mean. This is normal. But it will make a very big difference to you and your child if you pay attention to your own responses. Your child cannot learn flexibility from an adult who is not being flexible.
In order to figure out how to respond to your child, you will have to slow yourself down, regulate your own emotions, and find the right words. Practicing self-regulation in front of the child increases the chances that the child will self-regulate in front of you.
Doing nothing is your first step towards being flexible. When you do nothing, other options can surface. Sometimes, you’ll be surprised by the successful solutions that your calm brain can generate. When you are being flexible, you will be able to make adjustments. For example, you might choose to give your child advance warning about a transition. You might choose to reduce the number of steps involved in reaching a goal. You might find a way to reach that goal some other way. You might help your child share their play preferences with their playmate, and then help them take turns every 10 to 15 minutes or so.
ready for a deeper dive?
If your child is struggling with cognitive inflexibility, you will likely need to look at the entire Self-regulation Skills Framework. Even though cognitive flexibility is the critical first skill that your child needs to master, there are other skills that your child also needs to develop before they will become more flexible. Click on the button below to learn more